Late last night it was unveiled: David Beckham is this year’s Sexiest Man Alive for People magazine, effectively ending Chris Hemsworth’s reign of handsome. (You’re welcome for that.)
Reactions were mixed. Some were convinced People had completely forgotten that One Direction existed, while others were (I’m sure) hoping for a return from former SMAs Nick Nolte or Sean Connery. But look: everyone but us is wrong. Mainly because we know the only true Sexiest Man is Derek Zoolander, according to the trailer for 2oolander released today.
I mean, look at those eyes, those cheekbones, that hair. Listen to his voice, his words, the passion. And while we don’t know why beautiful hot people are dying with the trademarked Blue Steel on their faces, we do know that it’s the perfect way to go; that it’s an homage to a man who created and established duck face before any of us even knew the words.
To me, that is beauty. To me, that is sex. And while it’s taking every ounce of strength not to replace Derek Zoolander’s name with Benedict Cumberbatch’s after seeing the latter in long hair and dark nails, I stand by what I’m about to say: Derek Zoolander is the real Sexiest Man Alive.
And I’m sure David Beckham knows it. I’m sure that he woke up today, looked over at Victoria and said, “I don’t deserve this do I?”
“No,” she responded, while un-pausing the original Zoolander DVD that she bought many years ago. “Not when a man like this is alive.”
Which, according to the 2oolander trailer, he is. In fact, it turns out that Derek Zoolander is not just alive, he’s meant to save the world. And I riddle you this: has David Beckham ever done that? Has he ever been tasked by Interpol to thwart the intents of a mad men? Has he ever done anything but play a sport and look terrific in a suit and dole out sophisticated British humour?
He has not.
Derek Zoolander couldn’t play a sport if he tried. And for that, we must all be grateful because that would mean that while still “old,” he’d be spending a lot less time modelling, and much more time talking about sports. And modelling, if you remember, alludes to sexiness. Particularly if said model only wears one fantastic expression and works alongside a man named Hansel of whom we are all unworthy.
This is the Sexiest Man Alive we deserve. Sadly, People magazine believes it’s not the one we need right now.