Nothing is more ostentatious than the Oscars. The gowns, the hype, the aggressive red carpet poses—every year it’s more, more, more. The gift bags awarded to the losing nominees are also notorious for their excessive contents, such as 2014’s robotic hair transplant system (worth a cool $16,000) or last year’s PulseWave vibrator (no better way to cope with a post-Oscar defeat than some tear-soaked orgasms!).
This year’s loot bag seems to have the Academy especially riled up, with its estimated value clocking in at an obscene $232,000—a $72,000 increase over last year’s paltry sum—and boasts must-haves like Joseph’s Toiletries luxury toilet paper (what else are celebs supposed to wipe with?) and a private 15-day walking tour of Japan (Cate Blanchett would definitely make hiking boots look very chic). One item in particular that’s garnering lots of attention is the bone chilling “Vampire Breast Lift” which, upon further examination, entails the extraction of platelet-rich plasma from the patient’s blood and then injects it back into their breasts for a plumping effect. Sounds like an excellent way to spice up an otherwise quiet afternoon.
In light of the LOLsy press surrounding these bags, Fortune reported that the Academy is now suing Distinctive Assets, the company that independently provides them, for “profiting from the Academy’s trademarks without permission”. They are also claiming that the “less-than-wholesome nature of some of the products contained in the bags has hurt the reputation of the Oscars” (mmm, might’ve been a few other factors this year that contributed to that one, but nice try).
Does this mean that future Oscars won’t include highly coveted gift bags? How will the losers console themselves?! Only time will tell how this gripping legal battle plays out, but in the meantime, here’s a look at some of the most ridiculous items from Oscar swag bags past.